Chapter 47: The Dot

 BLAAAH!

That was a jump scare, just so you know.

If you ever don’t know how to greet someone, just hide as you see them approaching and jump out at them. It’ll usually go over very well, I promise.

Another week gone by! This one wasn’t especially extraordinary, unless my brain is hiding some explosive events from me. I’m just cruising along with my assignments and can’t wait for the temple to reopen. I’ve got three quick highlights.

1. I got to join a multi-family FHE last night and teach a lesson on baptism for one of the kids who recently turned eight. Pretty interesting teaching without a companion.

2. On the media team at the GSD, we’ve been tasked with assembling a memory book for this past year, including each service missionary’s testimony and photos from all our events. Essentially it’s a yearbook 😆. I’ve been on a yearbook team before, but there’s only two of us on this project and we’re building it from the ground up. It is unreal how hard it can be to make design decisions, but we’ve at last picked a direction. Wish us luck!

3. I arrived at the Road Home to discover our donation pile had shrunk significantly since the week before, which made further progress much more noticeable. So, I went on a roll! I was determined to make at least half the leviathan of accumulated charity vanish into organized beauty. Then, a ways into this newfound momentum, a couple women arrived in a big van to drop off FIFTY-ONE bags. They’d made an appointment, but they hadn’t told us just how much they were bringing, so Gayla had to explain to them that though their generosity is appreciated, we just don’t have room for that much clothing. Many of our bins are already overflowing as it is, making organization and accessibility more of a concern than having enough to go around. These pleas fell upon deaf ears, however. They were determined to see every last bag added to our receiving area. Gayla stood her ground for some time, but when they wouldn’t relent…onto the pile the bags went. All dreams of neatness evaporated. Gayla even predicted this would happen when I mentioned hoping to make a lot of progress. Later, to add….I guess injury to injury?…I got back from a lunch break to discover numerous other bags piled on TOP of the fifty-one. Apparently another lady had arrived heavy-laden with S T U F F to drop off, and she was even more argumentative than the ones before. Funny how donating clothing, a very straightforward act of kindness, can be spun to seal our doom 😆.

 The donation pile when I had hope...

The donation pile after I had hope...

Ah yes, the thought-sharing portion of the email. We’ve arrived a little early this week, haven’t we? And with little more than utter chaos bouncing around in my skull and no study journal within reach to refer to like a cheat sheet, I think I’ll call upon on something that occurred to me a few months ago.

Various blessings can be framed as selling points of the gospel.

Come join us and follow Christ! Here’s why!

• Knowledge of the atonement brings me peace and hope.
• Events are more meaningful when I know a loving God watches over me.
• Attending church gives me the stability of a supportive community and opportunities to remember the Savior.
• Covenants motivate me to live a better life.
• etc., etc.

But with every tangible blessing I point to that comes from a dedication to my religion, I seem to hear a voice from the world that proclaims “We have that too! No faith in Christ required.”

Now, you’ll have to forgive me while I lean really heavily into acting out a hypothetical persona. Buckle up, cause here are five points of anti-faith.

1. “You think repentance is the only way to put things right? Why lean on an unseen personality for forgiveness when you can just do your best to put things right and strive to improve? If feelings of guilt won’t go away, that’s a sign you’re struggling with obsessive scrupulosity, and you should probably see a therapist.”
2. “You think knowledge of final judgement is the only way to motivate me to do good things and avoid bad? That’s just called being wise and self aware. Follow natural law and think ahead. That’s all you need.”
3. “You think your the thoughts and feelings from your religious experiences support the existence of a God? Well I have similarly powerful thoughts and feelings all the time, and they don’t support your conclusion. I’m spiritual, but not religious.”
4. “You think this supposed miracle here or that religious text there proves your belief? Well I’ve got a rational explanation for it, and even if I’m wrong, just because I don’t understand how something happened doesn’t mean I have to shift my entire world view to accommodate it.”
5. “You think the only way to live a happy life is to prepare for an unseen afterlife? Well I don’t believe in an afterlife, and I don’t see a need to. I’ve accepted the eventual death I face. In the meantime, I AM living a happy life. I love what I do, I’m doing my best to live well, and asking for anything more would only make me discontent with what I have.”

“Bottom line? Once you let go of your religious practices, you’ll see they were never necessary in the first place to live a good and meaningful life. Christ didn’t overcome sin. Sin never existed in the first place. Christ didn’t overcome death. Death is a reality we must learn to face.”

Does all this remind you of a certain someone in Alma 30? I appreciate that the Book of Mormon details a few anti-Christs and the prophets’ responses to them, because they are very real voices in our day too.

Now, there are various ways to respond to these points, but many of them aren’t very sophisticated or genuine. They sometimes just boil down to, “You’re lying to yourself!” or, “My joy is better than yours!” I think these are overly dismissive of other people’s experiences.

No, the insight that sits best with me on this topic is that many of the tangible blessings of the gospel, from feelings, to principles, to prosperity, really can be mimicked outside of the realm of a belief in God. We truly do lean quite heavily on our faith that one day we will meet Christ face-to-face and know of a surety who the Lord of All Creation is. Before that day, one can easily come to a different conclusion.

But though my blessings alone don’t completely distinguish me, I take a bit of comfort knowing that this is old news. Think back in the book of Exodus. Remember how the Lord sent Moses and Aaron to free the Israelites, and used miracles as a sign to the Egyptians of His authority? One particular detail stands out to me.

“And Moses and Aaron went in unto Pharaoh, and they did so as the Lord had commanded: and Aaron cast down his rod before Pharaoh, and before his servants, and it became a serpent.

Then Pharaoh also called the wise men and the sorcerers: now the magicians of Egypt, they also did in like manner with their enchantments.

For they cast down every man his rod, and they became serpents: but Aaron’s rod swallowed up their rods.” (Exodus 7:10-12)

See also verses 20-22.

The Egyptians didn’t just see the miracle and pointedly ignore it. They replicated it. I see an important message in this. The power doesn’t lie in the miracle alone. It lies in where it came from. This belief will continue to be critiqued, deconstructed, and counterexampled by pragmatists, materialists, and rationalists alike for the rest of time, but it is a belief to which we must hold all throughout. And, when all is said and done, we do have a point of comfort. We see it at the end of that example in Exodus. Egypt matched the Lord’s serpentine transfiguration several times over, but in the end, only one snake endured, engulfing the others completely. Which was it? For all their enchantments and claims to authority, what was Egypt’s fate in the end?

The unbelieving and even the wicked will have joy for a season (3 Nephi 27:11), maybe as many as several seasons, but we are not a seasonal-minded people.

In a past zone conference we were shown a black dot on a white background. We were asked,

“What is this a picture of?”

“A dot.” Most would answer.

Then came the response, “And yet, the dot takes up the least amount of space on the canvas. Is the picture not almost completely white aside from a single point of darkness? Don’t get wrapped around what is immediately before you and assume this life is everything. Remember your eternal nature.”

God be with you,

Elder Tolman

I came across this shirt when sorting donations and it made me smile.

Chapter 46: One year done!

We open on the final battle scene of Return of the King. Aragorn stands before his small army as they face the legions of Mordor. He rouses them with a mighty speech.

“A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day! A day may come when Elder Tolman starts releasing his missionary emails on a consistent schedule, but it IS NOT THIS DAY!”

Salutations! It’s been a couple weeks! Plenty of time for some *~stuff~* to happen. Allow me to elaborate.

Things have been steady at the Global Services Department and projects on the media team have continued to pop up. It continues to be a nice balance between routine work and creative opportunities.

The Road Home has been a combination of processing donations from the ever-replenishing pile outside and trying to organize and make sense of the bins upon bins we’ve already accepted so they’re not a nightmare for people to search through. Sometimes we’re joined by volunteer groups, and this past Wednesday was my first chance to serve at the same time as one. It was a trio of guys from a tech company, and they were a spirited bunch. Among the donations were two adult-sized onesie pj’s–one with a rocket ship across the front and the other with Deadpool. It was not long before two of these fully grown men donned them and posed for a picture (wish I had it on my phone 😆).

As for my third assignment, the last shift I served at the Oquirrh Mountain Temple was a couple Saturdays ago and we’re now in a multi-week break in light of some maintenance. A few things are being replaced on the inside, but the main feat will be power washing the outside. There’s this mineral inside the stone that seeps out over the course of years, so they need to engage hydraulic warfare with it every once in a while to keep the building looking pristine.

This meant I found myself with some extra time this past Saturday afternoon, which was the perfect opportunity to execute a plan I’ve been brewing—to set out and obtain an item of mechanical majesty, infused with velocity and riddled with missionary vibes. The great two-wheeled dreadnought of the commuter’s world—a bicycle. It’s made transportation way smoother already, but the main reason I got it was to step up to an opportunity just yesterday. I shall explain in a few paragraphs.

A couple Thursdays ago we had zone conference! The moment we entered the meeting house we knew we’d be eating well. Fried chicken for lunch!! The gratitude of a pack of busy young adults for charitable members to volunteer to provide food simply has no end. During lunch, each table was given a little cup of skittles from which each of us selected one. Based on the color we selected, we each shared something about our mission with the rest of the table (funny story, most embarrassing moment, a trial we overcame, etc). After everyone shared, we ended up just sharing embarrassing moments, and I realized then that I’ve got a story or two that will remain well-guarded….

The service missionaries in my area after zone conference

Fried chicken and skittles aside, the feast was spiritual too. In one of our service missionary breakout rooms I was given a needed reminder about the insights contained within the Doctrine and Covenants. One in particular.

“And that which doth not edify is not of God, and is darkness.” (D&C 50:23)

It’s a straightforward and widely understood concept. God is good, God is love, etc. Things that bring out these qualities are of Him, and things that attack these qualities are against Him. That phrasing in verse 23, though, felt significantly more applicable than a general association with good and God.

The understanding that coming from God, reprimand and chastisement are good things can easily convince me the harsh, unappeasable critic in my head is God guiding me. “It may speak with mostly exasperation and disgust, but it’s pushing me to be better. After all, good isn’t necessarily synonymous with comfortable and nice, and scripturally God does get quite angry.” But to me, the key word is “edify”. It means not just to help improve, but to encourage and build up. In other words, the only thing you should be giving divine authority is that which enables you to love God and leads you to anticipate happily living with Him again. If the dialogue in your head makes you feel dark and despicable, it's declared in standing ink that that is not of God. Now, despite that scripture, my brain is fighting with me as I write this, so let's disarm a couple Book of Mormon """counterexamples""" that come to mind.

What about Alma the younger? Wasn't his torment set forth by divine intervention and didn't it ultimately end up being for his good?

We could delve more into whether his torment was God's will or fundamentally self-inflicted, but this is the thought that came to my mind prior to writing this. Putting aside the extraordinary scale of his iniquities that make his case quite unique, Alma was operating under the assumption that there was nothing to stand between him and the full demands of justice, and when he accepted the reality of the Savior, whom he had fought and denied before, his torment was relieved instantaneously. He was filled with joy and hope, and when he envisioned God his "soul did long to be there" (Alma 36:22). He was edified. We have the privilege of already knowing we have a Savior, so, no “everlasting chains of death” required in this life.

But what about the congregation who heard King Benjamin and were "awakened...to a sense of [their] nothingness, and [their] worthless and fallen state" (Mosiah 4:5)? Wasn't that the Spirit mortifying them?

I think it's pretty self evident in context that that was a description of them letting go of their pride, not dismissing God's love and demeaning their identities. This was them "[coming] to a knowledge of the goodness of God, and his matchless power, and his wisdom, and his patience, and his long-suffering towards the children of men" (Mosiah 4:6), not fearing that His goodness had no claim upon them. They anticipated their salvation. They were being edified.

I'll leave that thought there, cause it's not what I was planning on monologuing about for this email, but huzzah for ongoing revelation, am I right? Numerous scriptures offer much needed reminders and clarifications for us, and the Doctrine and Covenants stand right alongside the others.

Back to zone conference, the grand closing remarks with President and Sister Kotter focused on faith. They opened with a comedic bit by the AP's where Sister Kotter gave them baking ingredients and left them to their own devices, expressing that she had complete faith they could make some cookies…without instructions. The sugar-to-flour ratio was astonishing, and vanilla was added liberally on the basis of it smelling nice. The Kotters went on to discuss the components of faith, and what most stood out to me was that such a foundational and simple topic can be looked at from many different perspectives.

I had another opportunity to sub in primary, and when I entered the classroom, I heard the exclamation "It's Magic Tolman!" It seems I've been dubbed something of a wizard by the little ones. Who am I to deny? They are the leading authorities on the topic. What an honor! 😆 Even more so because, so I hear, one of the more critical lasses in that band was the first to declare that I am, in fact, "magical". Not sure if this is because I lean heavily on object lessons when I teach, or some other contrived reason, but whatever the case, it was extremely tempting to title this email "Magical Me" after Gilderoy Lockheart’s narcissistic autobiography.

Hey, remember when I mentioned getting burned for not keeping a Book of Mormon on me? Well I ameliorated the issue, and the other day I talked with a gentleman named Wilder most of the way from Salt Lake to South Jordan, and after bringing up the topic himself, he gladly accepted a copy! He mentioned meeting with sister missionaries in the past, and I hope his request is an indication that some conviction has endured from those meetings.

A small note: I finally got around to sprucing up my desk at the Global Services Department and I now have a Shakespeare Insult Generator book on hand. So, to my fellow missionaries...tread carefully.

Ok, back to the topic of the nyoom device (bike). I was considering grabbin' meself one for a while, but one thing pushed me over the edge. Yesterday I got to join the proselyting elders after my assignment! I asked if they could pick me up, and they revealed that it’s a biking area. Say less! The service-proselyting integration has come slowly, but at last I was told to set up a day to join them, and based on how things went, I can work with mission leaders to set up a consistent schedule. And it went great! Pretty bizarre knocking doors as a missionary just blocks away from where I live. I joined Elder Bennet and Elder McKenzie and we made some visits, taught a couple member lessons, and had a great conversation with a man named Randy.

Elder Bennet & Elder McKenzie

A couple weeks ago I finished reading through the Lectures on Faith. I was about to grab a copy from Deseret Book, but then I saw it just happened to be one of the fancy ornamental leatherbound books on my family's bookshelf, so I snagged it from there. What a win! There's plenty to discuss (pff, there's always plenty to discuss), but in particular I wanted to gush about lecture six: the Law of Sacrifice.

It's funny. A few of the prior lectures beautifully articulate epiphanies I came to during and soon after high school (e.g. everyone is exercising faith in something, God designed mortal life to hinge upon faith and He communicates with mankind in ways that maintain that), but the sixth lecture seems to be in direct answer to a question I've been having. It's like a future, more studious version of me wrote the book to compile years of key realizations, and I just got to reach forward in time, pluck the book from the future, and read ahead about conclusions it should take me years to come to.

Lecture six argues that one cannot truly have faith in God (the kind of faith that enables salvation and fuels miracles) without a knowledge that they are living life in alignment with His will. Seems like just another way of saying keep the commandments, right? I say it runs deeper! A concern that's been on my mind of late has been how we can really consider ourselves to have a relationship with Christ when we are separated from Him. I've lately been feeling like it's not so much a relationship as it is a tedious balancing act of trying to develop the right conception of Him and act on it. I start to believe what we call a relationship with the Savior is more a relationship with our own mind—the Savior we choose to imagine, and how we interact with that idea. Much of this concern can be alleviated by a confidence that prayers are heard and answered, which confidence leans on faith, but there still looms the feeling that something is missing.

I wrote in my journal, "How can I build a relationship with someone when I am left to assume what their reaction is to me?...I need to be able to know what God's evaluation of me is....When is He pleased with my effort and when is He not? When is He angry with me and when is He not? What does it look like for a God to love me?"

I haven't been too vocal with this question because I've had a growing suspicion that it's a matter that leans completely on faith and our limited capacity to just evaluate ourselves. Assume that you’re being guided by the Spirit, so your evaluation is also God's evaluation. In other words, there are no more steps to take in this quandary. The path ends, and it's a leap of faith from there.

The dialogue goes,

"I need to know."

"I'm sorry, but you can't know. It's just faith. Your expectations for the foundation of your relationship with God are too high."

But, look at what Joseph said. "An actual knowledge to any person that the course of life which he pursues is according to the will of God, is essentially necessary to enable him to have that confidence in God, without which no person can obtain eternal life. It was this that enabled the ancient saints to endure all their afflictions and persecutions, and to take joyfully the spoiling of their goods, knowing, (not believing merely,) that they had a more enduring substance."

That hooked my attention. How is it done? Could there be a way of gaining this knowledge other than "Pray about it and I'm sure you'll eventually get an answer.", or "So long as you're keeping the commandments, it's a pretty safe assumption He’s pleased with you." Those aren't necessarily bad answers, but for various reasons they just haven't worked for me.

Here is what Joseph says. "When a man has offered in sacrifice all that he has, for the truth's sake, not even withholding his life, and believing before God that he has been called to make this sacrifice, because he seeks to do his will, he does know most assuredly, that God does and will accept his sacrifice and offering, and that he has not nor will not seek his face in vain....Those, then, who make the sacrifice will have the testimony that their course is pleasing in the sight of God."

This isn't just a matter-of-fact idea, this is huge! In the course of knowing God, we work with means like reading the scriptures, praying, and meeting together to worship, but here we identify what all these things point to: the repeated act of letting go of something you want in favor of something God wants and your soul needs, to the extent of all you have. Lehi's riches, Abraham's son, Joseph's life. Isn't it fitting that the building blocks of our relationship with God must be our own sacrifice when it was His sacrifice that laid the foundation for it?

I've continually pondered on the idea that faith is only realized when you act on it. What then is the issue when all you're doing is acting on it, and yet faith seems to be the thing you lack most? How is it that one can diligently and consistently pray, study the scriptures, strive to repent, take the sacrament, go to the temple, write about the gospel in flowery language, proclaim Christ's name, and even serve a mission, and yet, when it comes down to it, struggle to just have faith? Doubt persists. Belief and hope remain stagnant. How can diligent effort gain no purchase? Well, I think I have my answer. The question is not, are you acting on something you're trying to believe? It's, are you letting go of something for God's sake, even though you really don't want to?

A final item of significance: today marks one year from the day I started online MTC, and yesterday was my set-apart-as-a-missionary anniversary! Woot! It would not do to say "That went by so fast." or "Time is barely inching forward.", so I'll let the two cancel each other out and say nothing. But here we are!

God be with you,

Elder Tolman

Hiking on Elder Sahlin’s birthday

Chomp

Chapter 45: Up Close & Personal

 …wellp…I’m currently writing this in transit after a fellow son of God got right up in my face, yelling about how Revelation 22:18 condemns me. Here we are, ladies and gentlemen.😆

My favorite thing about being a disciple of Jesus Christ: being one in Him is not exclusive to the church we believe He established. Developing a closeness with Him is an endeavor that spans multiple faiths. To those who love Him, act according to what they believe is right (Mosiah 3:11), and are willing to take correction from Him when He sees fit to give it (Revelation 3:19), a genuine relationship with Him is available. Our love for our Savior need not translate to hatred for others (3 Nephi 11:28).

So, I’ll trade a “Love Christ. Have a wonderful day!” for an angry middle finger any day.

*sigh* Anyways. Hope the endeavors of your week have been meaningful and your company edifying. For me it’s been a long sequence of deep thought and opportunities to talk and reconnect with some wonderful people. BUT, I continue the trend of not really having any substantial stories to report on, so this one will be more brief. …was that a sigh of relief I heard? Don’t rest too easy. The word avalanche will descend again. Mark my words.

I’ve been gradually improving the rate at which I can respond to IT cases at the Global Services Department (GSD). Speed’s not yet where I’d like it to be, but we’ll get there soon enough. The main highlight is that I have more graphic design opportunities! The GSD will be starting up a podcast soon (shhh, don’t tell anyone. They haven’t announced it yet.) as a way to spotlight missionaries and have gospel discussions, and the hosts have enlisted us on the media team to market it. Overall there are plenty of fliers and posters to make, and it’s incredible how versatile the software for such projects has gotten.

An item of news—which is more like the actualization of a previously declared but pending development—is that my area has been divided and I’ve got new service mission leaders! We’re now the Temple View area and our counterpart is the South Jordan Oquirrh area (I think that’s right anyway 😆). I like to think that one of these areas is an indignant separatist faction that finally gained the upper hand and declared independence. The question is: which area was it? Ours is the one with the new leaders, so there’s that. Looks like I’m a separatist!

…although, Elder and Sister Alston could have staged a milit- I mean missionary coup against Elder and Sister Lindsey, who barely escaped with their lives and took all the loyal missionaries with them as they fled to South Jordan Oquirrh, leaving Temple View in the hands of the new regime. I guess it could go either way.

Two more things to address: I love the workers at The Road Home and the temple’s such a great place to be!

Addressing complete.

And now is my cue to think back on the week, consider what thoughts I can dump here, and string them into a passable conclusion. And I’ve got a lot of ‘em! Only issue is they’re still in adolescence. I’ve been thinking and studying on the topic of repentance; a couple aspects of it in particular. But there’s so much to say that I’ve resorted to writing the ideas down in their own respective documents, which I’m working on evolving into talks (not necessarily to be given; just as a fun format to write in). I’ve found orienting studies around writing talks is a great way to keep them focused and meaningful. Plus you come out of it with a handy dandy presentation of what you learned (furthermore, it’s a defensive measure to prepare for pesky bishoprics who spontaneously call you to give a talk).

So, since the main things on my mind aren’t quite presentable yet, here’s a tidbit from a recent discussion with a close friend of mine.

“Does God love me?” is a deep question on many of our minds and hearts, and though the answer is yes, believing that answer is its own journey.

If God, in a sense, is love (1 John 4:8), and all good things come from Him to the point where what we would call our charity is in fact synonymous with the pure love of Christ (Moroni 7:47), I take that as an indication that whenever we feel love for another person or for God or even the world as a whole, that is a proven connection with God. We are tapping into an eternal web of love, and thus have become a part of it (1 John 4:16). I submit your ability to love as evidence that God loves you, because that love you feel is co-owned by Him. We are getting a glimpse of His perspective.

In short, God surely loves those whom He channels love through.

God be with you,

Elder Tolman

Pictures:

I’m including this picture with my cousin and friend to punctuate
a very important piece of information I learned that night.
One that is highly pertinent to my endeavors as a missionary.
The stuffed French toast at Black Bear Diner is AMAZING.

The missionaries around my desk have a “What Steve Harvey are you today?” board
where we can place ourselves each morning. Most of the pictures are AI-generated and utterly horrifying,
but I’m impressed with how accurately they can express the inner woes of a lethargic morning.

Saw a bunch of high school friends at Megan and Josh’s wedding reception!

Random cat photo! We’re catsitting :)