Subtle change is frustrating. When your back is painfully out of alignment, you'd much rather twist it in just the right way, hear a pop, and be relieved all at once than wait for the more realistic slow, incremental recovery over the course of several days. Yet, most things in life—physical, mental, and spiritual—take time and persistence before results are seen. This is almost certainly by divine design. It teaches us patience, and it leads us to trust what we can't yet see or feel. Giving your body sufficient exercise, nutrients, and rest will not necessarily improve your health overnight, yet it is crucial to remaining healthy. Taking slow, calming breaths when you are anxious isn't the most dramatic of solutions, yet it really is enormously helpful.
So it is with waiting on the Lord—for blessings, for answers, for relief. We receive line upon line. We prosper by degrees. We gradually discern the rising sun. I believe most (if not all) of us experience mortal life this way. It makes our relationship with God a little terrifying at times, not being in control. When will His answer come? Is it already in the works, and I just can't tell? Is it coming at all? However, in retrospect, we can usually see the wisdom in His actions, different from our will as they were. Accepting this is an essential part of living at peace.
But that is not the whole picture.
"Endless monotonous trudge" is not in the order of "men are that they might have joy". Heavenly Father loves us so much that though we must endure bleak times as a condition of mortal life, He still sees fit to bestow glorious gifts upon us in grace-filled moments. These moments are precious and rare. They break forth from the luminous clouds of tender mercies as radiant beams. They are moments of revelation.
I've been on a long journey which I can't pinpoint the beginning of. For the past couple years I've found myself walking a fine line between faith in Christ and faith in crisis. So many questions unanswered. So many prayers seemingly unheard. So many doubts never put to rest. In preparation for my mission I was able to let go of many things that held me back, and I set out for San Diego expecting my missionary experience to yield the insight I was struggling to find. I expected an upward slope. Instead, as you might expect if you are familiar with the challenges of missions, the past 8 months have plummetted me into even deeper darkness.
Each and every question returned in full force, weaving into a taunting, looming narrative of confusion. And the crux of the issue was the dissonance—the clashing notes between where I was and what was happening inside me. As I preached to people about God, I questioned whether that God even existed! I couldn't tell whether that made me noble or hypocritical. In my head, I fought for every venue of relief I could formulate. I grasped at insight after insight, each one likewise failing to conjure up the faith I lacked. Fabulous new ideas came to my mind constantly, tender mercies worked around me, but I just couldn't close the gap between myself and my God. It was like running up a sandy slope only to slide back down every time.
That was the state I was in as I entered Imperial Beach last transfer. However, over the course of obsessive studying, many key discussions, and some sleepless nights, the weight inexplicably seemed to grow lighter. I'm not sure why. I can't point to a change in attitude, a singular scripture I studied, or a revelatory moment, but I found myself increasingly accepting of the dilemmas that troubled me. This gave me the space I needed to begin to trust God again and, for as many personal struggles I've been having on the mission, I began feeling Christ's light more and more often. With each topic I wrestled, "good enough" became enough. But I still had earnest questions that deeply troubled me.
Then, this past Wednesday came.
I was on an exchange with Elder Nielsen, one of our zone leaders. Times were rough, and I had a lot on my mind, but we spent a full hour that morning simply sitting in the apartment, talking. This is actually something our mission leaders are encouraging for exchanges, to the extent that we had blocked out time in our day simply labelled "chat". We discussed the things we were dealing with, the people we wanted to become, and how we wanted to get there. I want to bear record that Elder Nielsen is one of the kindest missionaries I've met. I knew him back in Imperial Valley, and we were all so excited when we found out he would be zone leading Chula Vista this transfer.
After that hour, we broke off our conversation to turn to our desks and begin personal study. I was reading "The Everlasting Covenant" by President Nelson, when I paused to ponder on the conditions which began the Abrahamic covenant. Then, an epiphany came to mind.
But I quickly realized it was more than an epiphany.
Only once before to I recall receiving an impression that clearly came from something outside of myself. For the sake of keeping it sacred, I won't describe it here, but this sensation was similar, and that was telling to me. I have been praying that God would communicate with me in a way He knew I would understand, and this new experience hearkened back to the only other time I was willing to admit I'd received revelation. An answer came to my mind! It directly addressed the question that lied at the very core of my concerns. Just like that, after all the waiting, there was an answer before me that I could accept. I had a breakthrough! This is an email that I never dared to hope I would someday write, yet here I am writing it. XD
On the chance that it will help someone with their own concerns, I'll record the epiphany here, but first, let me clarify. It wasn't this singular moment that put my concerns to rest. This moment was a breakthrough in a long, gradual process. Truly difficult questions can't be answered by merely writing out an explanation. There is far more at play than the surface level reasoning, and of course, there are other questions I've asked that needed different answers.
Here is the main question I was trying to answer: how do we distinguish between an act of God and a coincidence? What if we sometimes ascribe meaning to things God didn't actually do? In other words, how does God act in my life, and how do I handle the insecurity that I'm just making up my relationship with Him?
Let's first consider what we learn from the scriptures, and then I'll get into what occured to me.
God is aware of all things. Even if coincidences exist, no coincidence will catch Him off guard. (2 Nephi 2:24, Words of Mormon 1:7, 2 Nephi 9:20)
God is aware of our thoughts. We will never surprise Him by attributing a coincidence to Him. (Alma 18:32, D&C 6:16)
God can work through anything for our good. (Romans 8:28-30, 2 Nephi 2:4)
God is the author of good. When we recognize good, it ultimately stems from Him. (Moroni 7:12-13, 16-17, Ether 4:12)
God's power lies in all things. (D&C 88:6-13, 41-50)
All things were created to testify of Christ. (Moses 6:63, Job 12:6-10, Alma 30:44)
We are commanded to thank the Lord for all things. (Ephesians 5:18-20, Mosiah 26:39, D&C 98:1, Alma 7:23).
What I came to understand as I thought about the miracles in Abraham's family was this: coincidence or not, God will use every venue He can to reach us—every venue that we will accept. He knows all things and He knows how to use each and every one of them for our good. Just because something may not start out as a true miracle from God doesn't mean it can't become one. He watches for where we praise Him. He asks us to attribute things to Him. Perhaps not every event comes of God, but every event can certainly point to God if we let it, and that universal law was intended by Him. Mortal life doesn't consist of me searching for God as He stubbornly waits in a hiding place. It consists of me and God searching for each other.
When [insert event here] happened, was that God acting in my life? Maybe. Maybe not. But here's what we can be certain of. If you persue the meaning you saw in whatever happened, and use it to glorify God, He promises that He will act upon our lives and He will speak to us.
Now, are all my questions answered? Certainly not. Is all doubt removed from my life? Nope. Am I absolutely sure about the answer I received? Don't be silly. I feel much the same as I did before that blessed day, with one key difference. I don't need to worry as I did before. I have faith that God has spoken to me.
Alright, I've successfully ranted my guts out. Now, the real big news. Ariel's baptism was on Saturday!!! It was almost pushed back at one point and we ran into a few hiccups here and there, but it pulled together, and it went well! President and Sister Merritt came to attend, so the pressure was on. Ariel did so well, and we're proud of her family for pressing forward through an exhausting week and following through. They showed admirable faith. It made me so happy seeing all the other kids run up to Ariel afterward and start chattering away at her.
Here's a fun touch. Beforehand, Elder Rhodes asked Ariel what her favorite dessert was. We were expecting her to say brownies or cupcakes or something along those lines. Her response: s'more cake. Had she ever had s'more cake before? No. But it was her favorite nonetheless. Luckily, we knew a guy. William, another primary aged kid in the ward, happens to be a MASTER cake maker. Like, he tries making new cakes on a weekly basis and posts them on a facebook page, he frequently sells cakes and cupcakes, and he uses the money he makes to stockpile more ingredients. So, a week prior to the baptism we had a lesson with his family and pulled a little secret combination over dinner. We extended not only a missionary invitation that evening, but also a challenge...of the edible variety. S'more cake. Now, we had only the most basic of expectations. What he brought to the baptism...was the stuff of legend. I've enclosed a picture.
Zone Conference was on Thursday! Elder Mark A Bragg, who gave the talk on Christlike Poise from this past conference, was our guest this time, and he gave exceptionally helpful missionary advice. Insights filled pages on my study journal. Here are a few of them (I may have already talked your ear off, but you do have another one!):
•The constant companionship of the Holy Ghost is not just a gift that affects you. It affects those around you.
•Nephi talks about how with the gift of the Holy Ghost we can speak with the tongues of angels. What does this mean? Perhaps what it's referring to is the fact that with our testifying words, the Holy Ghost allows us to quite literally step into the role of an angel, proclaiming Christ's words and ministering to those around us.
•It is repeatedly reiterated throughout the Book of Mormon that the authors are only writing the smallest fraction of the content they are covering. This means the content of the Book of Mormon is very much incomplete, yes, but it also means that the things it contains are of the utmost importance. Imagine if you were given the task of going to 10 different libraries and selecting the most important book in each one. In principle, that is how that Book of Mormon was compiled.
We were spiritually and emotionally drained after sitting in conference all morning and afternoon, but we had a lesson with Francisco immediately afterward that we powered through, a little more stoic than usual (this just meant with didn't pepper him with quite as many questions about being a police officer at the beginning). Now that he's heard all the lessons twice, we've been focusing on messages that give him powerful overviews of the church's beliefs, and this time, that carried us into reading The Living Christ with him. I absolutely love that document and the testimony it conveys, interweaving accounts of prophets both ancient and modern. What especially stuck out to me was how Christ touches every part of our beliefs. A focus on Him points to His doctrine, just as His doctrine points us to Him. A few days later we went over The Family Proclamation, and appreciate the timely writing of that document just as much. Francisco's unique perspective from his line of work helped us all see the deep wisdom in family principles.
A few days following each Zone Conference we do a review and debrief with President and Sister Merritt zone by zone. Ours was on Monday, BUT, we started doing district FHE's, and on Thursday evening we focused on what we learned from Zone Conference. It was simply excellent! Spiritual, yet hysterical. Between Thursday morning, Thursday evening, and Monday morning, we got to hear the messages reiterated three different times. Repetition brings new revelation.
Okay, there's always more to talk about, but this length is getting quite ridiculous, even for me. I'll end off by talking about Sunday evening. I got to sing at another missionary devotional! This one had a multicultural theme, so there were speakers of different ethnicities, we had translators for several different languages, and the Merritts focused their message on how Christ is the name under which the whole world can unite. It's significant that the church was restored in America, whose culture is a blend of so many others. We got to sing Rock of Ages and Amazing Grace. That medley of How Great Thou Art and I Feel My Savior's Love also made a triumphant return, although we found out only a week in advance that we would actually be singing the last verse in Tagalog. We had a grand total of one partial rehearsal with that song before Sunday, but, miraculously, the performance went smoothly, and it hit hard. There was also a Congolese choir there and they were so enjoyable to listen to. They brought a special spirit.
Last thing from that night! As we met up at the church to carpool to rehearsal, a man named Jens just walked right up to us and said he was looking for a church to attend and was sad he missed the services that day. We're so excited for him to realize the pearl of great price he's stumbled across. And by that I mean "was led to"! I suppose stumbling and walking in the spirit go hand in hand often times.
God be with you,
Elder Tolman
Pictures:
Ariel, safe in Christ’s arms for this new stage in life.
Ariel, safe in Christ’s arms for this new stage in life.
•The wonderful Ramirez family.
•I saw my mission father at the devotional! In the middle is Elder Spencer. I've been in a couple districts with him. He has a cannon for a leg in soccer.
•The majestic s'more cake, crafted by William himself.
•We got a LOT of online referrals this week, and this meme just illustrates how it feels trying to set up lessons with them. "You typed out all of your personal information in a missionary ad from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and you're telling me you're not interested?! *siiiiigh* Go join that line over there. Yes, the long one."
•District FHE! Minus the hermanas. *many tears*
•Zone picture from zone conference. This one (Chula Vista) is SO much bigger than my last one (Peñasquitos) 😆
No comments:
Post a Comment