The curious thing about writing to an unseen audience is that I haven’t the faintest clue how things are for you right now. I mean to say, how’s it going?? And what adventure led you to read this? What have you been up to today? For that matter, where and when are you at right now? Do I open with a good morning, good afternoon, good evening, or good night? It seems “know your audience” was never a real option here.
So many possibilities for how I could process this week into my trademark ramblings! Where shall the tone and focus be today? Would idealism or realism be more refreshing for you? Are you settling in for a new lengthy installment, or are you frantically reading, hoping you’ll see the end of the email the moment you scroll down? Heh, if you’re hoping for the latter, let’s just say you’ve come to the wrong missionary. Anyone whose attention span dwindles faster than my cognitive regurgitation is surely doomed. Turn back now, traveler 😆.
I can’t know the exact choice of words that will suit you today, but it’s pretty amusing and mind boggling to think about just how many different ways this note might interact with you.
All of that’s to say, hi!
This past week I’ve continued to press forward in a pretty awkward transitional phase. We’re not quite back to fantastical adventure status yet, but we’re getting there. Getting all my assignments together has been a process, so in the meantime I’ve had a lot of temple opportunities, and I’ve been enjoying time with family. Being back in Utah so early is still WEIRD. Everyone's been very welcoming though (if a little taken aback in some cases 😜.
Last Thursday I got to tour the Global Services Department with my service mission leaders, Elder and Sister Lindsey. We were also joined by another missionary, Elder Richardson, and the moment we picked him up, he struck me as familiar. We spent like half the car ride shooting suspicious glances at each other and eventually halted all conversations for an ultimatum. "I feel like I've seen you before!" We briefly interrogated each other about high school to no avail, and it wasn't until we got to the topic of work that we struck gold. We both worked at Nielsens' Frozen Custard! What are the odds?! Better yet, we both left on our missions about the same time, proselytized for about 9 months, and then transferred to serve in Salt Lake South.
We had a great time meeting the service missionaries and managers at the GSD and going to lunch with them at the church office building afterward. Ever since I filled the Lindseys in on my interests and skills, they've been strongly recommending I serve there, and after touring, I could totally see why. It is such a tight-knit group of missionaries there, they hold devotionals every morning, and they do some pretty important work with a worldwide reach.
I originally had another tour at the Special Service Projects department scheduled for the following Thursday—dreadfully far away on my calendar—which would have meant I'd have to wait another full week before deciding where my main assignment would be, but as time went on it seemed more and more silly that I was waiting to start at the GSD when the chances of another tour winning me over were pretty slim. A few days later, I got word that the SSPD doesn't have a very high workload right now, so I went ahead and decided to start onboarding at the GSD! Good thing too, cause the evening after I made the decision, I found out the SSPD needed to cancel the tour on Thursday. Dodged a bullet there! So, my new home 4 days a week will be the West Office Building in Salt Lake City!
A couple days ago I went in to meet my team and get my desk set up. I'll be serving on the Missionary Services team, offering technical support for areabook (now called the Preach My Gospel App) and MaaS360 (missionary phone security). In my interview I also mentioned I have video editing experience, and from the sound of it they've got some projects for me in that area too! I'm excited!
The GSD culture is pretty great as well. As Elder Shupe, my team lead, was giving me a tour, we passed by an unattended computer. Elder Shupe's eyes lit up. "You'll quickly learn," he said, barely breaking stride as he curved his trajectory toward the desk, "never to leave your computer unlocked." He opened a new tab on both monitors and pulled up twin 10-hour clips of Never Gonna Give You Up. The unfortunate owner of the computer was about to be accosted with a double rick roll. As the tour resumed and we headed out of the cubicle, the last thing I saw was another missionary hopping on the computer to mess with the keyboard control settings. I'm glad I'm learning these lessons third-hand.
Another quick tidbit of mischief...when I first arrived for onboarding, a small group of service missionaries was waiting at the front office to greet me, and as we headed into the building, one of the elders leaned in and conspiratorially whispered "We're going to sing happy birthday to Elder Davis." We arrived at his desk where he discovered the area had been flooded with balloons, and every single object in the vicinity that could be gift wrapped had been gift wrapped. This included every framed picture on his desk, his computer monitors, the fronts of his drawers, his chair, each and every one of the little lego figures proudly displayed on his shelf, his tissue box, and more. His disgruntled reaction was priceless.
So there's the GSD for ya! With the bulk of my weekly schedule filled in, my other assignments can now start falling into place. The only other thing I have set in stone right now is serving as an ordinance worker at the temple, and I'm starting that today!
Once each month, instead of meeting for our district council meetings, our zone meets up for a service project, and this past week we did just that. We went to the food bank to assemble several pallets of food packages for a government project. The workers there repeatedly said "This is for the government, so it has to be perfect!" No pressure. We had a great time! Elder Hansen (one of my ZLs, who was with Elder Lindsey at the airport to welcome me when I arrived in Utah) and I were in charge of stacking the boxes on the pallets, and every time a pallet finished, a collective cheer rang through the room.
I had the chance to give a talk in my ward this past Sunday. I'm learning that I REALLY enjoy opportunities like that. Everything about them, from pondering on my topic, to studying for it, to writing my thoughts out and seeing them organize themselves on paper, to delivering them (anxiously hoping that at least one person in the congregation needs to hear the message). After this past opportunity, I contemplated on how everyone has their own little things they need to work on. When it comes to giving talks for instance, I haven't felt as much of a need to focus on articulation or delivery, but what I am sure I need to improve is being concise. This is to the point where I will tell myself I'm only going to write or speak for so long, but I end up going nearly double what I expected, despite my "effort" to the contrary. I get wrapped up in all the subpoints I want to cover, obsessing over delivering each one in its entirety. Unbeknownst to me, this probably results in a lot of dead horses being beaten. In a Stake Conference back in Imperial Beach, a member of the Seventy passed on a quote I appreciated. "The mind can absorb only what the seat can endure." When you're sitting there in a meeting, there's only so much you can take.
Notwithstanding, the talk went over very well! It discussed missionary work, and I decided to focus on navigating some of the barriers to it we face, namely feeling "too introverted" to share the gospel. I also tried calling the congregation to action in as practical a way as I could muster. That took some boldness 😆. I'll include a link to the talk at the end if you're curious (if this email takes half your day to read, you'll still have a whole other half left to read the talk!).
This past Tuesday we had our first mission leadership council where I met the other district leaders. Originally, my interview to be a temple worker conflicted with this meeting, which was super unfortunate, but I found out at the last minute that my interview had to be rescheduled, so, tender mercy! At MLC, a few jokes were thrown around about "unrighteous dominion", or cases where missionaries have abused the authority of their leadership positions to impose upon other missionaries. You know, basically a step below priestcraft...accomplished by rambunctious young adults. So, normally the thing to do would just be to say "Don't let your position become one of unrighteous dominion." And to move on from the topic. Instead, we flipped the joke on its head with an equally skewed paradigm. "LET YOUR POSITION BECOME ONE OF RIGHTEOUS DOMINION." If there's one thing my age group is good at, it's walking a fine line between insight and dunderheadedness. We had a good laugh though.
Looks like it's that time again...time for a gospel tangent! This one comes from a lesson Elder Meilstrup and I taught toward the end of my time in my second area. Get this though, it's actually two messages, and the messages contradict each other--on the surface, at least. We'll fit them together at the end.
As we teach the gospel, in our homes and at church, there's a select few things we talk about over and over and over again when it comes to the actions we are expected to take. Read your scriptures, pray, and go to church. We issue these answers in response to a variety of "churchy" questions. How can I draw closer to the Savior? How can I receive comfort? How can I have a stronger disposition to do good? From time to time we'll throw in other answers. Go to the temple, do service, repent, fast, keep the commandments. They are important and distinct things, but they do all feel like they're coming from the same well-rehearsed list. So well rehearsed, in fact, that the first few items have gained a title of their own. "The primary answers", referring both to the fact that they're taught in Primary, and to the fact that they are foremost amid the things God has taught us. They're so prominent, in fact, that if you were to walk into Elders quorum or Relief Society in the middle of their discussion without a clue of what's going on, raise your hand, and say "Read the scriptures and say your prayers", it would probably fit right into whatever they're talking about. The natural man in us might be inclined to complain, "Every time I go to church I feel like we're just having the same lesson over and over with the same answers given every time." And there's even a grain of truth in this complaint.
What I'd like to talk about is not any shortcoming of these answers, but instead a shortcoming of our relationship with these answers. I suspect we typically offer the primary answers in church, seminary, and institute not necessarily because we have a personal experience with them in mind, but because we think it's the answer the teacher is fishing for, or simply because we want to keep the discussion-ball rolling. But with the sheer number of times we repeat these answers, we're left with a little bit of an awkward question...
How does the number of times we hype up prayer, scripture study, etc compare to the actual influence those things have in our lives?
Consider how much you hear and talk about those things. Then consider how much time and feeling actually goes into them in your life. If you're like me, the ratio between the two could stand to improve.
The fact is, for as much enthusiasm as we put into our lessons and talks about it, sometimes reading the scriptures is confusing, intimidating, or just plain boring. Sometimes the wondrous gift of prayer feels reducible to vain repetitions and unheard pleas. And as the gap between what we say and what we experience grows wider and wider, we may start offering the primary answers merely because they are the "correct" answers, and not because they are our answers. We lose our relationship with them, holding onto idealization more than testimony.
I proclaim that everyone has a testimony of God somewhere in their life. For every person that has ever lived and will ever live, there is at least one corresponding conduit that connects them to their creator. We each have a good thing that we can get excited about--a conduit. It's not the same for everyone, and that's why everyone's relationship with God is unique. For me, it's taking part in inquisitive gospel discussions and writing my favorite insights down. For Elder Meilstrup, it's deep diving into the scriptures. He made a hobby of FLOODING his scriptures with tabs. For Sister Ward, it's pondering on the personal nature of the atonement, realizing every pain she has felt, Christ has felt. In each case, that personal thing was what gave us our testimonies. We discovered that which meant something to us, and we seized it with both hands. What is it for you?
Whatever it may be, primary answer or not, seize it with both hands!! You've just found something you have a personal, irreplaceable testimony of. Something that isn't just capable of having power in your life, but DOES have power in your life. You know where the gospel is engaging for you. That's incredible! It's crucial!
When someone mentions living the gospel to you, do you react with the same feelings you do when someone mentions a mundane homework assignment? Perhaps it's just that you're thinking about the things you don't have a testimony of rather than the things you do.
Rather than feeling bound to pursue things that just don't resonate with you (as much as you feel like they should), draw strength from the places where you have felt God connect with you. The things that incite enthusiasm. We all flourish in different ways.
Okay, that was message number one. Here's message number 2.
Should we only focus on the parts of the gospel that we resonate with? No way! Just because you're not having the time of your life with something doesn't mean it's not benefiting you. If you don't react with excitement to a good thing, that's a pretty clear indication there's some growth that needs to happen.
"...It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me." (Alma 32:28)
"...beginneth to be delicious." That implies that it wasn't delicious before. So press on, even when it feels fruitless. Even—no, especially—when your scripture study puts you to sleep and your prayers seem to bounce off the ceiling.
I'm struck by how comparable weight training is to spiritual growth. If a dumbbell is heavy, is that an indication you shouldn't lift it? Hardly! Well, don't hurt yourself, but think about it in principle. The resistance is the whole point!
Will you immediately feel stronger as you exercise? Perhaps you'll feel your adrenaline and endorphins surge, but exhaustion and soreness are likely to be at the forefront of your experience. Let's compare those surges to particularly spiritual moments. Sure, they're encouraging, but the actual growth happens over the course of persistence and is rarely ever noticed in the moment. Again, press on, even when it feels fruitless. The primary answers are repeated so much because they are just that important. If anything, we haven't heard them repeated enough.
Now, these two messages literally present opposite focuses. Which one of them wins out? I don't think there's a clear cut answer. It has to be a matter of what you need.
Do you have a favorite way of feeling the spirit? If not, find it!
Do you trust your effort will yield results even if you don't feel it? If not, try it!
Struggling with both? I'd suggest starting with the former. Find what builds you up, not what wears you out (yet). Kindle a passion in the gospel that will propel you forward. The gospel exists for you, not you for the gospel.
*drawn out exhalation* See what I mean about struggling to be concise? This is looong! But congratulations, you endured to the end. How's that for living the gospel of Jesus Christ? In fact, as a reward for your bravery, I've got one last announcement...
My sister Allison is a mother as of this past Wednesday!!!!!! And I'm an uncle, for that matter! And my parents are grandparents! And so on and so on! We bade William Brimhall a warm welcome into this beautiful world. It's such a blessing I was here in Utah to greet the lil guy.
God be with you,
Elder Tolman
Here's that talk: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PpaO2w16m72B8gTI2WfT3qMEcrZhsu2x7-wbzdVTS-w/edit?usp=sharing
Me with President and Sister Kotter
The one and only William Brimhall!!! My arms were graced with his presence. :)
After the Tabernacle Choir's summer concert. It was incredible!
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